XO, Isabel

So, when are you...?

Now that we've been married for over 3 months, the questions have started trickling in. Maybe not even questions but simple comments. "You're next." "When are you two going to have one?"

I knew those questions would be popping up soon. And, for the most part, I'm okay with them. I can just say "we're working on it." I'm excited because my sister is expecting her first baby. This gives me a tremendous amount of hope.

My biggest fear is fear! I'm not sure what I'm afraid of, but I have a feeling I'm most afraid of unraveling some old feelings. They're usually kept tucked away and starting to really "try" would just be tugging at the string that would unravel the ball.

I have hope and a really good feeling that everything is going to be okay this time. I think I'll have a few more battles, but my happily ever after will be here soon.

The Box

I picked up the box. I vaguely recalled what would be in there. Once I cracked open the first flap of the box, I knew. All of the paper from my old computer desk. Not only the paper, but the various other little things that reminded me of the day I packed them all up over three years ago. The magnets. The pacifier. The needles and instruction booklet on insulin. The phone-book sized medical file. The photos. The bills. The ultrasounds of pregnancy #2, AKA 46,XX. The e-mails to them from him.

It all came flooding back. All the pain and hurt I felt that many years ago. The sadness, the heartbreak. Yet, on some real level, I felt at peace. I felt comforted that I am at a whole new place. That I was able to tuck that hurt into my heart and move on with life. That I have a kindling of hope still burning within me that simply makes me feel that life is still worth living.

Dramatic, ha? Yeah, it pretty much helps me keep going, simply because some days, I'm never quite sure what I'm working towards or if those goals have any meaning to me anymore. There are days I want to give up. Give up on everything. I try very hard just to keep it together. Just to keep waking up each day and deal with the new stuff that will await me.

Infertility left a pretty bad scar. Will I ever recover?

After a hiatus...

I'm back!

Yes, it's true. I've decided to give this blogging thing another try.

First, here's my entire story in a nutshell; I was married, we tried to have a baby, I got poked and prodded, got knocked up a few times, lost them all, got divorced, moved 3,000 miles to be "home" again, met my soul-mate, got engaged, will be married in about 20+ days and am ready to give this "baby" thing another go.

So, on with the show!

Planning a wedding is exhausting. I don't even think mine is that complicated, it's pretty simple. But, there are still so many little details! I thank R for being so patient with me. I've been stressing out just a little bit. And "just a little bit" means that I have tantrums at random times. I am by far NO Bridezilla, but lately? I've actually been agreeing with some of those crazy chicks!

We have a good wedding planner and she's getting me on track and is trying to get me to release control in these last few weeks. I've had difficult with this, but, I'm learning to do it. That's right...I'm learning. I have not perfected this by any means.

Here's where I am with this whole baby-making madness: nowhere! I have Diabetes, so this will be a challenge. I've already started visiting with the doctors and they're making this special plan for me. R and I are actually pretty excited at the idea of having Baby G's. We will hope and pray that we succeed and our wishes are granted.

Stay tuned, I suppose I'll have a lot more to write about as my life starts to put itself back together.

XO,
Isabel

Included in Craft: Magazine!

Included in Craft: Magazine!
Originally uploaded by XO, Isabel.

I have been included in Craft: magazine! This is their second printing of the magazine and they did a piece on Moleskine scrapbooking. The article is on page 127, and the clip of my Moleskine collage journal entry is on page 128. The original collage is here. Here's a link to my Journals photo set.

My name is Luka

I'mma gitchoooooo
Originally uploaded by XO, Isabel.

Hello Internet. Meet Luka. Luka is my six week old kitten. She's a feisty little baby. I would, however like to address a few things.

Dear Luka,
You are just so adorable. I love the way you seek me out and want to cuddle. I do, however fear your baby claws. You see, you like my face. You especially love my lips and nose. When you snuggle next to me in bed or on the couch, you reach out and want to place your paw in my face. Just a gentle touch on the nose or lips. Just to let me know you're there.

Luka, oh, Luka. This is so sweet. But, please...PLEASE refrain from then digging your claws into my lips and chin. I know you love me. And don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. There is no need to have a grasp that sharp. I'll love you forever, I promise.

Luka, I'm aware that you're a kitten, a toddler, if you will. I know that you like to play. My hands, however, aren't toys. They're not for biting or clawing. That's what all those toys I bought you are for. When I direct you to your toys, you play. Good girl. Remember, hands are for petting or getting you big scoops of food into your bowl. Or to fill the water bowl that you elusively drink out of.

Luka, I like my sleep. As a matter of fact, I like it a lot. It's precious to me. So, at night...you know? When I want to sleep. Please do not play tag with my; hair, nose, lips, hand, toes, boobs, belly, legs, ankles -- ANY body part. Thanks.

Luka, you're cute. I can't wait until you become a lazy cat that sleeps. All. The. Time.

In the meantime, please do not be mad at me when I have to "train" you. Yes, this will mean that inevitably, I will have to get that water bottle out and spray you as you dig your little claws into my nice chocolate wood furniture. Or, for the fifth time you try and wedge yourself into one of the furniture drawers. How'd you figure that one out, anyway? You're one smart little cookie.

And Luka, don't ever forget about that old saying about curiosity and the cat. I'm not predicting nothin', I'm just sayin'.

But, Luka, it's my job to make you feel safe and keep you happy and healthy. I promise I will do all of those things. Even if it means having to spray you in the face with water or even look you in the eyes when I say "NO" when you bite my finger.

XO,
Isabel

A little moving around

I decided to get out of the house last night.  So, I went to take a Salsa dance lesson.  It was actually a lot of fun!  Of course, I'm a terrible follower, which shouldn't be surprising to me.

I've joined the gym across the street.  Another way to get out of the house and interact with human beings.  I've enlisted the help of a trainer to get me back on track.  I think it's going to work out just fine.

About the interacting with humans, since I moved back to California, I've been working from home.  Although I enjoy the opportunity, being back in a "new" town has its drawbacks if you don't work outside of the home.  For example, people.  Aah, yes.  Although I interact with my co-workers, it isn't the same as face-to-face communication.  Not to mention, lunch just isn't the same.  It was always great to be able to grab a bite to eat at a new place with a co-worker/friend.  The pointless and absurd conversations are just as missed.

Fire in the city

I took a trip to downtown Sacramento on Sunday to take photos.  It was raining and it was cold.  As my photo partner and I were trying to decide which direction to go, I spotted a fire truck and some smoke.  Of course, not wanting to miss an opportunity, we went towards the smoke to see what we could find.  It turns out that one of the buildings at 815 K Street had caught fire at approximately 3:00 AM that morning.

I was able to get a few good shots, however, I'm not at all happy that another one of those buildings was lost down there.  It's always sad when older buildings catch fire.  It is even more scary when these types of buildings in downtown areas go up in flames.  The potential for the fire to spread is so great.  I am glad for these dedicated men and women who fight fires and were able to save what was left of this building.

Thank you Sacramento Firefighters.

Something new...

There is a lot going on.  I have neglected you,blog.  So, I have plans for you, blog.  I am going to make you better, blog.  You will be different, blog.  You will be FABULOUS.  Well, maybe not fabulous, but you will certainly have my attention.

My life is changing and I should be reflecting what my life is filled with.  Isn't this what you, blog, are supposed to be for anyway?

Yes, I think so.  It's you and me, blog.  Let's do some writing!

Not knowing what to say

I've been wanting to create a post for several weeks now.  For those of you that know me...you know what I've been going through.  I'm feeling free, lonely, hopeful, scared, sad, happy, confused, sure; everything.  I'm feeling it all.  And, one minute, I'm reaching for the phone, the next I'm sitting here crying and the next, I'm taking in deep long breaths and smiling hard.  I'm soaking up this quiet stillness that sorrounds me.  It's all around me, and I'm almost not sure what to do with myself.

I have moved.  We sold the house.  And I moved.  I made the same voyage, only opposite.  3,000 miles gone past.  Now I'm back where I grew up.  I'm back near where I went to elementary school.  I'm back near where I used to play in the park.  The same buildings are here.  Plus, there are oodles more.  Even though it's all familiar.  I'm still lost.  I'm still alone.  And I still feel empty.  Yet hopeful.  It all sounds so crazy, right?  It feels it. 

I ask myself..."What's worse?  The pain (hurt) you felt before?  Or the fear of being alone?"   When I think of the answer, I feel a little bit calm and I can keep moving forward knowing that I've done the right thing.  Someone recently told me, after they received bad news, that they thought of me.  That I had a rough spell for a while.  But, I kept moving forward.  I remained optimistic.  And despite how much hurt I was in, I kept moving.  Forward.  And that because I did keep moving, things fell into place for me.

Maybe I believe that things have fallen into place.  Things aren't yet finished falling, though.  Every day, a piece of something inside of me falls, and it either falls in tears or it falls into place.  It is what it is.  And I'm sure it will pass in time.  I only wish I knew what was in store for me.  I'd like to have something to look forward to.

What I've been up to

Will you look at me
Originally uploaded by XO, Isabel.

I realize I've neglected my blog. I've been aware of this dilemma for quite some time. I've eluded to the fact that I don't have much to write about on the subject of infertility, conceiving, or babies in general. And, that, my friends, is because it's true. I am officially hanging up my infertile towel for now.

My life has taken a different course for the moment, and I'm following all of the signs that I'm able to read. Things are moving quickly for me, and that is just okay by me.

In the meantime, I've been putting forth an extraordinary amount of pleasurable effort into my creative outlets. I've picked up learning photography and continue to work on collages and mixed-media.

I can't describe to you the peace I get from doing these things. It keeps my mind off of otherwise unpleasant things, and I couldn't be more thankful. I feel energized, alive and seemingly more observant.

The photo I have included for this entry is my latest addition to my collection of "Creepy Dolls". She's a vintage doll from the 20's or 30's and I believe is all plastic (I haven't looked at her all that carefully). I love photographing my doll "collection". I don't pick them for being cute, I pick them for having some unique character that comes alive in the photos. I give them names (often, I just open up a baby names book and point), and I try and give them some sort of "story". I know, I know...I'm totally weird. But, it sure is fun to photograph them; creepy or not!