XO, Isabel

Infertiles are Everywhere

I am writing a paper for class, and in this class I was going to take a feminist point of view on a couple of parables from the bible.  My professor was going to let me borrow a Women's Studies book, since she thought it had some information I might be interested in.

To cut to the chase, she mentioned in an earlier class that she had adopted children, and expressed that they had suffered with infertility many years ago.  Her son is living at home and she recently found out that she is going to be a grandmother.  She said she thought of me as she took her son's teen-aged (18) soon-to-be baby's mother.  Why?  They discovered in that appointment that she was expecting twins.  I am sure there was a twinge in her inner infertile self that hurt.  A part that shouted "HOW'S THAT FOR IRONY!?".  She told me that she thought of me.  That she thought it was ironic.

In front of her was another student in my class.  She's a young mother of twin girls and a younger son.  She exclaimed..."I swear!  I think that's why some people hate me.  They hate me for having been a teenager and having twins.  I had this one teacher that didn't like me because she struggled to have children, and I show up with twins".  I told her it was true that there is always a feeling of irony...that those that don't want children, often get the unexpected.  And, those that do...well, you know that story too well.

Perhaps the lesson learned is that you can't overdue desire or lack thereof.  Somehow, it will bite you in your ironic ass.

The Project

Recently, I've been doing a lot of thinking with regards to my barrenness.  I mentioned in an earlier entry that I create artwork that seems to be inspired by my journey; my pain.  Although the subject can be a dark matter, I still manage to paint with very bright colors.  I do believe that it's hope that is shining through.  It isn't over for me.  It will never be over.  I know I have choices.  There are so many choices out there for me, for us to build our family.  That's what is most important; the fact that we want to be parents.  Although biology would be nice, it isn't the silver bullet that will kill all the pain and make this journey non-existent.

I told someone the other day, after I called my womb useless, that I'm really endeared to it...and therefore verbally battering my uterus was really a term of endearment.  I mean, why not love something that has caused you so much pain?  Not only that, but my womb has been a source of creativity.  So, I've been accepting it, and I've been creating.  And that's OK. 

I am discovering that I have had the ability to learn so much from my infertile journey and I can't continue to keep it to myself.  And, in many instances, I haven't.  I chose to blog.  I chose to share my story with those that might be needing that extra support, as I have on so many occasions needed.  There must be more I can do, right?  Well, there is.  And that's what I'm doing now.  I've been slowly going to school (I've never been to college) so that I can obtain a degree in psychology.  I know I'm meant to help others.  And, I won't let anything get in the way of that goal.

In the meantime, because I am extremely curious, I will be launching a new project revolving around the history of fertility and its importance to (wo)mankind; ancient and modern.  I have a special interest in art and how fertility rites were manifested before the lovely words of our languages.  All those superstitions and rituals you have; frogs, eggs, prayer, not stepping on cracks -- they all had (have) a purpose.  My purpose is to try and make sense of it all.  For my sake.  For yours.

I haven't named this project.  I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to spread this information that I'll be learning about.  But, I have general ideas.  I know that I'll be spending lots of time at the library, at school, and speaking to people who know more than I do.  I know that my goal is to get this information into the hands that want to know more.  Into the minds and hearts of those that want to understand why fertility is so important.  And, when our barrenness smacks our face -- it matters and is valid that it hurts so much.  It hurts so much because it is at the core of human existence, since the beginning of time.  And, when we're faced with this horrible calamity -- it can mean a fate worse than death.  It can mean the death of everything before you and certainly everything after you.

My initial thoughts are that I'm going to create another blog specific to this research.  And, that I am going to want very many participants.  I want to hear about your story.  I want to know what you've done to cope.  Do you blog?  Do you journal by hand?  Do you create art?  I want to know!

A New Journey

Hello!  I'm never far from opening up TypePad and placing an entry.  I've been conjuring up lots of ideas in my head.  I'll be ready to reveal them very soon!

On a related note, there will be some form of family building news from us very soon.  April 1st is our date to begin to jump back into the game.  :)

xo!

You Can't

Along with finding my way back to my blog for some much needed healing and therapy, I have purchased a new Moleskine journal to jot down ideas, but mostly to splash colorful pain about the pages. Today, my first entry was fertility related...as I mentioned in my post before. It seems that no matter where I go, I'm surrounded by the pursuit or GLORY of motherhood.

It's sad. It's not pretty pink, blue, green, or yellow. It's dark and ugly. For some reason, I still pick these bright and beautiful colors. Maybe that is hope shining through.

Infertile Marathon

It seems that everywhere I go, there is somehow a mention of babies.  Although, I think it might have more to due to my own sensitivity.  You know, like when you are thinking of buying a new car, and all of a sudden the make/model that you are considering appears at every light, every corner, or your neighbor two doors down?  Yeah, it might be like that.

So, of course, I turn on the television, and then there's something about infertility or adoption everywhere!  It makes me very emotional.  I'm starting to feel that dull to powerful aching in my belly.  That pain that shoots up to my heart and makes my bones ache.  That pain seems to be back and full force.  And, I get angry at myself.  I get angry for not having the strength to work harder at meeting this matnernal goal.  Perhaps I do avoid it.  I avoid it so that I can't fail.