Not knowing what to say

I've been wanting to create a post for several weeks now.  For those of you that know me...you know what I've been going through.  I'm feeling free, lonely, hopeful, scared, sad, happy, confused, sure; everything.  I'm feeling it all.  And, one minute, I'm reaching for the phone, the next I'm sitting here crying and the next, I'm taking in deep long breaths and smiling hard.  I'm soaking up this quiet stillness that sorrounds me.  It's all around me, and I'm almost not sure what to do with myself.

I have moved.  We sold the house.  And I moved.  I made the same voyage, only opposite.  3,000 miles gone past.  Now I'm back where I grew up.  I'm back near where I went to elementary school.  I'm back near where I used to play in the park.  The same buildings are here.  Plus, there are oodles more.  Even though it's all familiar.  I'm still lost.  I'm still alone.  And I still feel empty.  Yet hopeful.  It all sounds so crazy, right?  It feels it. 

I ask myself..."What's worse?  The pain (hurt) you felt before?  Or the fear of being alone?"   When I think of the answer, I feel a little bit calm and I can keep moving forward knowing that I've done the right thing.  Someone recently told me, after they received bad news, that they thought of me.  That I had a rough spell for a while.  But, I kept moving forward.  I remained optimistic.  And despite how much hurt I was in, I kept moving.  Forward.  And that because I did keep moving, things fell into place for me.

Maybe I believe that things have fallen into place.  Things aren't yet finished falling, though.  Every day, a piece of something inside of me falls, and it either falls in tears or it falls into place.  It is what it is.  And I'm sure it will pass in time.  I only wish I knew what was in store for me.  I'd like to have something to look forward to.

Comments

[Steph]

I think the emotions you couldn't feel during the whirlwind in B'more have finally caught up with you. It sounds like you are feeling the relief of climbing one huge hurdle and the realization that there are more to come.... that's gotta be what the emptiness is.
You are one of the strongest and most resilient people I know. I know you won't let any feelings of loneliness and doubt hold you back for long.
I also know you've got some goals up your sleeve. Remember to give yourself some time. Take a deep breath and let your old-new surroundings settle around you. I bet when you're ready you're going to bust off the starting blocks like a champ.

[kerrianne]

I am very new here, but just wanted to say that you write beautifully, and that, from what I can tell, you are indeed extremely strong, and exceedingly hopeful. Which is, well, beautiful. :) Hang in there. And keep us all posted. :)