It's time. It's time that I take this baby-making stuff seriously. Right? Yeah.
So, step one is...visit my therapist. Back in November, I opened up Pandora's Box of Buried Reproductive Emotions. Ever since then, every little thing seems to trigger some deep emotion. It's usually raw and painful. And, I'm usually alone or at least try to make it so that I'm alone. And, I'll sneak a cry late at night or in the morning when I'm driving to work or maybe even in a bathroom stall at work.
I finally admitted these feelings, these very depressive feelings, to my husband on Valentine's Day. Wasn't that nice of me? I just couldn't help it. I had spent the entire day before running around photographing some of the most beautiful children I know and gazing at my husband as he played with my sweet 9-month old niece. His eyes were all lit up and he told me so many times how much he was having fun with her because she was just the happiest little baby. And more than once, he poked at me to remind me that we needed to start working on making our own little one.
So, for Valentine's Day, I set out to pick the most wonderful card. To write the most beautiful and romantic thing that I could muster. And, so, there I was with my Sharpie pen all ready to come up with these fabulous words...and then it hit me! The last line of this card said..."When I dream about all the somedays."
And, that's when it sort of smacked me in the face. It's the "somedays." That's what I've been waiting for all this time. Since I was 21 years old, I started on the journey to be a mother. This year it will be 10 years that I began down this path, and many miscarriages and a failed marriage and a new-found love and hope has come my way. So, right as I was doing all this underlining in the card...the dream and the somedays, I lost it. I started crying. Luckily, my Valentine was still sleeping. He didn't know I was sitting in the other room writing out his card and sobbing. I was sobbing because I have come to realize that I am paralyzed with fear. Not only over this whole baby thing, but, just my health in general. They are all so connected to one another. I'm fearful of success. I'm fearful of failure. I'm fearful of fear. It's an awful little cycle I've run myself into.
So, I've decided that my very first step is emotional. I need a lot of strength to venture down this path once again.
I am thankful that many of the women that were in my life many years ago are still around to hold my hand through this all. I am thankful that I hardly have to say anything at all and they will understand me.
And, I'm also thankful that my husband will be there with me. His heart is still so full of hope. He knows that my heart has been shattered in so many ways...that I know he has the strength to help me pick up the pieces should it break again. And that hopefully his will remain intact and that he'll have enough hope and courage for the both of us.