XO, Isabel

Things that I'm not ready to talk about

Ah, yes.  The things that I'm not ready to talk about.  I am ready to talk about it.  But, it seems not here.  Why is that?  Is it that big of a deal?  Sure, it is.  It's my life.  It's his life.  It's our life.  We have made some big decisions.  These sorts of decisions are never easy.  They're complicated and messy.  They're heartfelt and the ache to the core of your soul. 

You can't discount the history and the sadness.  And the rollercoaster ride of life; yet alone infertility.  You can't discount the hidden pain that one doesn't share.  You can't discount courage and the ability to know when enough is ENOUGH.  And I know, enough is enough, at least more than I can bear right now.

There is so much that I have ignored in hopes of getting one step further.  One heartbeat closer.  And, I haven't.  I just added more emptiness to my basket.

But, I've woven this basket of hope.  This basket of love.  This basket of light and friendship.  This basket of beauty.  This basket of desire.  This basket of LIFE.  And this basket is going places.

Transition

My life is in a major transition.  My soul is aching to write about it.  When my life was in need of structure, I turned to writing as my solace.  Unfortunately, there are details that are just too difficult to put into words right now.

I am okay.  I will be okay.  I am strong.  I have courage.

The direction of my blog will change.  This transition will put many things in my life on hold.  A dream of a healthy family is still just a dream.  It is a goal and I am challenged to meet it.  I will learn to write about the difficult things again for the public eye.  I hope that when I begin to, it might reach out to you and feel familiar.  And, that in turn, you can reach out to me and touch my shoulder and tell me that you've been here too.  This familiar and painful place is not the end.  The beginning, instead.

I just want to know that I'm not alone.  And, I know that I'm not.  I never have been.

XO,
Isabel

Saturday

It's Saturday.  It's been an interesting week.  Lately, it seems that I'm always having interesting days, weeks, or months.  There is some good.  Some bad.  Some indifference, too.

My visit back "home" was enlightening, refreshing and well-timed.  I've been trying to get back into the swing of things regarding my creative projects.  I have all of the ideas, I just can't seem to find the motivation to bring them into fruition.

I had a lot of fun last night.  We celebrated one co-worker's departure and another's final days of singlehood.  We had a happy hour, cake, presents and plenty of laughs!

I better get back to editing photos...!

Taking it all in

I am visiting home this week.  I'm in sunny California and my skin is soaking it all in.  It's always a bittersweet visit.  It can be hard to be here, but, it's getting harder to not be here.

Yesterday, I spent the day over at my sister's house...the were having a family get-together.  I got to see my beautiful nieces.  I swam with them for a while.  I very much miss being a part of their lives.  There is another one on the way in October.  It would be terrible if I was not here for that.  So, what am I supposed to do?  How does that get easier?  We'll just have to see, I suppose.

I'll check in again soon.

A regular update

I know.  I haven't posted since Mother's Day.  How did you spend yours?  Happy, I hope.  It was okay for the most part.  I created stuff.  I tried to forget.  It's easiest that way.

In other parts of my world, my work has been very busy for me.

School is over!  I got my last paper back last night, and I received an 'A' for my paper on stereotypes.

I'm going to visit my family in California in two weeks.  That's exciting!

I've been busy creating stuff.

So, how about you?

A New Journey

Hello!  I'm never far from opening up TypePad and placing an entry.  I've been conjuring up lots of ideas in my head.  I'll be ready to reveal them very soon!

On a related note, there will be some form of family building news from us very soon.  April 1st is our date to begin to jump back into the game.  :)

xo!

What's going on?

Usually I write about my illnesses.  I write about the sweet blood, or the dying of my baby cells.  I don't think I can for a while.  It always hurts.  And I can always write you a page of digital pain.  But, you've heard it all before.  Infertility sucks.  You already have the book.  The bumper sticker, too.  You don't need to be constantly reminded.  Neither do I.  So, I'm left in a place where I need some sort of release.  I'm always feeling creative and I try really hard to express that daily.  Otherwise, I'll be eaten up from the inside out.  Writing has been a great source of release. 

Recently, I purchased a book called The Book of Questions.  I've decided that occasionally I will select questions from this book as an inspiration to talk about something a little different.  Feel free to comment and ask yourself the same question.  I find them to be quite interesting.

XO!

2006 is here

I thought that if I wrote something here about what I had been thinking about I just might remember to look back at the archives when I was trying to remember what I was thinking about during a rainy day like today.  I'm usually not one for new year's resolutions, mainly because I'm never good at keeping them.  Although, recently, I seem to have more reasons than none to get my shit together.  You see, I'm sick.  I'm very sick.  And, I keep denying it.  I keep pushing it away.  I keep it away because it's a reminder of the past.  Of the pain.  Of always losing.  But, I am, I'm sick.  I'm working very hard.  Okay.  I'm working hard.  Okay.  I'm trying to work very hard to get my life back under control.  It's difficult.  To say the least.

I was diagnosed with Diabetes (type 2) during my pre-op visit with Dr. K back in November of 2003.  I was about to have exploratory surgery to figure out what else could be going on after losing two babies.  It was a difficult blow.  As I sit here typing it now, it makes me cry.  I guess it's because I don't think I ever acknowledged what it meant.  How it made me feel.  How scared I was.  How scared I am.  That it meant another failure that my body dealt me.  That perhaps if someone would have looked before.  If they would have known before, back when the symptoms came and the borderline tests came about when I was a teenager.  Perhaps if they had done right by me, I wouldn't have lost those three babies.  Or maybe four.  I wouldn't be here crying in front of my blog desparate for help.  Desparate for it to all be a big nightmare.  I wish it could just go away.  And, for the past two years, I think I have been wishing that it would go away.  But I knew.  I knew that the sweet of my blood is slowly killing me.

So, before me I have a great task.  It is the task of saving me.  It's not about having a baby anymore.  It's not about that.  I know I want to be a parent.  I know that we will.  I'm not worried about that anymore.  I'm more worried about the rest of me that I've neglected all these years.  The neglected tears that I kept in the ducts.  The festering anger boiling below the skin.  The yelps I've lodged in my throat.

For this year, and forever after, I have the task of being kind to myself.  Of being good to my body.  I owe it a lot as it has suffered a great deal.  I have always known that my life has lacked balance.  Everywhere.  This balance I will seek, and with determination and all the help I can get, I will set about making this day the beginning of a new me.  One that chooses to live.  Longer.

...like I never left

I keep visiting this page.  I then click on the 'x' and go.

I keep wanting to tell you about what's going on.  But, nothing is.

I'm beginning another chapter in my story.  I hope it will have a happy ending.

Checking in...

Hello.  Hi.  I'm here.  I've had a birthday, I've moved, I haven't finished unpacking, and I'm thinking seriously on getting back on the quest for a baby.  Wow.  It's just that after finally moving in and picking colors and furniture - I want nothing more than to have toys scattered about the family room, and to pick bedding out for a nursery.  The room right next to mine.

So, help me... 'cause I'm ready, yes I'm ready!