When I was undergoing fertility treatments once-upon-a-time, it was blogging that helped me get through it all. Now that all that IF crud is coming back up and becoming a giant lump in my throat, I thought it appropriate that I venture on back to the blogosphere and continue on my path.
For a good while now, I was pretending in my heart and mind that the problems of my past were just that; past. That the bad seed was literally just a bad seed and that my tomorrows would bring a promise of good things. Fertile things.
But, as time moves forward, I'm forced to realize that I have the bad soil. It doesn't matter how many lizards or frogs or eggs or any other fertility charm I bring into my life. They won't work. I can have faith and hope and think good things. I can read books on visualization and see myself pregnant or holding my baby, but it won't happen. I can "relax" or "not think about it" or follow any of the well-meaning, but unrealistic, advice that others dish out. It still won't work.
And, so...here I am. Still the one with the bad soil. The barren ground that is split wide open.
So, what's holding me back now? Fear? Failure? Sadness? Probably everything. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear that I'll get what I wish for...just not 100%. I always complain that I always get what I wish for...but, usually not exactly in the same form. And maybe all those times I wished for things, and ALMOST got what I had wished for, were meant to be a lesson to me. Meant for me to learn something from it. Isn't that what life is all about?
So, here I am. I'm ready to face that it was not the seed, but the soil. That the soil, with tenderness, moisture, tilling and fertilizer can perhaps turn itself around. That the soil can be hospitable and fruitful. That with the right seed it can grow wonderful things.
Go! Go! Garden Gloves!
XO,
Isabel
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